After the Dream Came True

So what happens AFTER, – as Unzipped put it, – „a dream came true“? http://blog.unzipped.net/lana/

The return to your everyday life can feel dull and empty. That’s why a lot of people fear to have their dreams come true and their wishes fulfilled. They fear the time after the fulfilment.

In my case the situation is not as dramatic, but then again also more complex. It has been 14 days now since I met Brent Corrigan the second time in his home town San Diego. Still in the plane coming from New York the Sunday before I found it rather unbelievable that a young gay porn star would really find the time to meet me; A meeting he could practically gain nothing from, no new business contact, no public appearance, no increase in fame one could measure. Just an interesting meeting and a good conversation. Which we had, twice, all in all we talked about 5 hours at two occasions.

First he overwhelmed me by giving me a strong hug the first moment he saw me in the lobby of my hotel; and even though I knew that this is nothing but a nice convention, – I hate hand shakes by the way, and not only because they are the perfect way to transfer the swine flue – I could hardly believe that the petite slender body I was pressing against for a few seconds is the very same torso whose images I had admired so many times. Judging from the face, the voice and the personality of its owners it surely was; yet judging from the way how we construct reality it sort of wasn’t. I had to add the element of the tactile to the idea of Brent I already had. As fleeting is it was, this was a whole new dimension. Also I had to get over the one little disappointment that came with all the new sensory data. Brent is one of those young men who think it’s clean and sexy to put on Eau the Cologne. I happen to have an extra sensitive nose, I dislike all the scents created for men, no matter how famous their names. I would have preferred to smell a tiny bit of sweet boyish sweat. But you cannot have it all.

Next he overwhelmed me with a lively conversation he started right away. To be actually addressed and expected to answer was also new to me, even though I am very used to it in my life in general. So I had to ask for a transitional ritual, a small walk along the harbour where the sun was slowly setting. Walking next to Brent and his BF, who is a lot taller and more muscular than he is, did the job well.

I am a rather heavy person of medium height (about 5’6), in personal contact Brent did not seem a lot taller than me; and he surely weighs a lot less. Face to face I could look him straight in the hazel eyes. An experience I can strongly recommend. This body ratio could have felt awkward in other cases, and I might have felt tense about it years ago when I already liked rather small, slender guys but feared how my rubenesque self would look monstrous next to them. In this case the mutual agreement of being no object of sexual interest and therefore also judgment surely helped. And I am a rather self assured person now in my forties. Still, it was amazingly comfortable and relaxed to walk next to and talk to this young man who might keep a low and normal profile in his outfit and overall demeanour but who is very handsome and aware of it nonetheless.

Sometimes I took the freedom to lag behind and sneaked a look at the famous backside of my company. I was amazed how very tiny his bottom appeared in his jeans. Firm and taut of course, but really small. How much staging is needed to turn it into those twin peaks of pale round flesh we know from photos and videos. Yet the line from his shoulders displaying some discreet muscle to his narrow waist is exquisite. And he likes to emphasize it with very tight shirts.

After I had managed my transition and the sun had finally set we arrived at a classy fish restaurant with costumers queuing up. While we were waiting to be seated I remember Brent talking about shark attacks. He really can talk about lots of things, but always in a personal, sometimes witty way. The thing he did not do was ask me about myself and my life. He talks about himself and his plans, but that was fine with me as I came to hear about exactly those things. When the situation was still new his mode of talking strongly resembled giving an interview. This open but slightly formal mode was also due to the fact that he had brought his BF “for protection”, who later told me that they “rarely meet fans”. The fact that he never said a word while Brent and I talked and only responded when I asked him directly made it unclear if he was profoundly bored or just a silent listener. Still, Brent soon warmed up enough to let the style change slightly. We began to discuss films, career plans, possible theatre projects etc. And I began to utter my opinions, sometimes contradict his, and the conversation became very lively. At one point I asked him straight ahead, – as any good interviewer would do, – if ever someone could have a porn AND a film/mainstream career AT THE SAME TIME; and he replied with a very special expression: “No, but than again no one has been me before.” I wonder what it takes to shoot such a reply without any rehearsal. It almost sounds like the line of a film. Such a display of self esteem seems less arrogant than heart-warmingly spontaneous and innocent. As if someone displaying such bravado could simply convince destiny to make his dream come true.

One thing that is really striking about Brent is his amazing honesty and openness about everything, including matters of sex and physicality. We already know that from his blogs. While not having any problems to discuss the stretching of orifices and the sexual responsiveness of film partners with an almost strange woman he keeps a very matter-of-fact, almost technical precision in his vocabulary. In that respect his conversation is a perfect mirror image of his profession. On the other hand he is a person who always keeps control. He knew that he would still go to the gym after our dinner. But even though he ate normally he had a light dinner. He gave me the feeling that I seduced him to get one glass of beer, but probably he wanted to have one anyway. I can hardly imagine persuading him to go on a drinking binge if he would not already have to plan to do so. I don’t think that he with all his young and innocent looks can be manipulated into anything at all. That’s why one of his ongoing topics is to emphasize his “masculinity”. That’s the reason why nowadays he likes to top. He is an alpha animal no doubt. But it would have taken more than our already long conversations to explain to him why I think that no outwardly “masculine” role playing is needed to prove one’s dominant personality. I do not know what it would take to convince me that as a top he could ever be as dominant, demanding and radiant as he has already been in his best bottoming acts. Of course it might be hard to appear macho to a full bodied woman in her forties; he might inspire submission in a young slender boy.

I do not feel entitled to share everything we talked with the public, even tough there was nothing scandalous or outstandingly new about it. Also I do not have a complete protocol of everything in my memory bank.

The second meeting was a lot shorter and had us drinking coffee in the nice “Mexican style” station in central San Diego.

I somehow liked that meeting even more, because Brent came alone and we exchanged some amazing presents. I gave him the catalogue of the art show in Vienna and a humble portrait I drew in my spare hours; and he gave me a master copy of his next dvd “Working Hard” and an amazing signed autograph. I will not prematurely share my opinion about this film. I am sure it will live up to expectations. It contains something rather sensational commonly abbreviated “dp” in porn jargon. And the person suffering though this ordeal is the one you hope it would be. Yet, bad for business or not, I have to say that he is a lot prettier now (and in person) than on this dvd that stems back from a period 2008 or early 2009, the period of the rather odd Freshman shoot, when he was following a problematic chemical diet. I never got the point of him claiming that he has to work and slave himself for his beauty. I thought it is obvious that he is naturally good looking. Now I would say that one of his most dominant features is an amazing easiness to change looks, expressions, type. His looks are not sharp but smooth and mouldable. In time I could even imagine that he might be able to turn “ugly” if he chooses to.

Finally we stepped out on the sunny square where no one was around; so I asked Brent to take a photo of us in his signature style, with the outstretched arm. That was only feasible by putting an arm around each other, which he initiated without hesitation. We took three photos and in one of them my cheek very slightly brushed his, a tiny sensation I nonetheless enjoyed a lot.

Even though I positively know that out meeting was very enjoyable and, – as he put it – “stimulating” for both of us I cannot quite tell what consequences it might have. It might have created a new basis for the future; it might also have exhausted everything a person like Brent in all his youthful curiosity for new stimuli can find in such a weird relationship. Only time can tell. One thing that is both understandable but also a bit frustrating: he told me that he does not read my blog. He tends to ignore all the crazy stuff on the web that circulates around his person. He reads Dewayne’s blog and Unzipped, but apart from that he protects himself. BTW, I also met Dewayne, had a long evening with him. He was kind enough to show me San Diego at night, from Point Loma to Hillcrest, we drank beer at a porn star hangout where a very pretty flat assed boy revealed his funny underwear. Those are the places Brent tends to avoid. All in all, one just needs to read his tweets, he leads a rather reclusive, normal life.

So I cannot use my blog as a forum to send “secret messages” to him, messages about what I think works and does not work in his projects. Our occasional chats went on, but remained very short. When I made the joking remark that some people, – and I really did not meant to refer to myself – build their life around the clock of his upcoming website he reset several times, he responded in typical sincerity “Oh that is so sad”. And indeed it is. A little star like this is something of a muse, a source of inspiration, but not the centre of one’s life.

I did not need to be reminded to ”get a life”, I have a life, but this life is in (more than one) crisis and had me waiting for half a year for a decision that finally came today; I will not get the research stipend I applied for last may. Or better put: I will not get it right away. I can reapply within 14 days. And I will, as this stipend would be one good way to get myself to where I want to be: to Southern California. No, I will not be “Brent’s hag”, as one of those funny gay misogynists put it on Unzipped, but I am planning to be a guest researcher for science fiction, porn and gender studies at the University of California, Irvine. They just don’t have money.

The wait and the slow digesting of that little dream coming true, with uncertain outcome, made me rather dull and unproductive the last 2 weeks. Do you know that fits of “self punishing behaviour” when you feel bored with the world and yourself? Like eating a burger at McDonalds or watching a movie that you already know will piss you off profoundly? I finally punished myself not with bad porn, not with adolescent splatter or cheesy comedy but with a film that somehow tops all of these genres with its blasé self-importance. I watched “Antichrist” by Lars van Trier; I knew it would be hateful and crazily overrated; but I still was amazed by the degree. More on that soon.